It's been quite the week, emotionally. My brain has had enough, it feels so broken, and I think all that will help is some word vomit. I'm just going to spew it all over, and with fatigue, hormones, and Psych on in the background, it's bound to be an adventure! Read on!!!!
First. I big fat red heart my Mormon Mom Planner. Oh. My. Gosh. It's grand. And worth the money I would have paid for it if you lovely friends hadn't helped me win it. I will buy it next time, I will!!! It's been so perfect, and I've USED IT!!! Go me.
Next. Am I the only person that sits and replays a conversation that I've had, and beats myself up for saying something, and analyzing how it might have sounded, and hashing it all over, and hating myself for sounding lame, or stupid, or forgetting to say something important?
AND am I the only person who worries (too much) that I have misread a person's friendliness as friendship?
They say hi to me every Sunday, I think that means we are kind of friends... or maybe not. They comment on my FB statuses... I think I can call them a friend...Or maybe not. What if I assume we are "friends" and they are assuming I am batcrap crazy.
Am I the only person who thinks too much?
#3 A dear dear dear man passed away this week. One of those that touches every person he meets. Even my kids were touched. I've known him since we moved to Idaho. His death was VERY sudden and unexpected. His funeral was beautiful, his daughters gave an excellent life sketch. I've been friends with his youngest daughter for years too. We went to high school together, were in Young Womens together. The type of person I've always admired, and now wonder why we weren't better friends before, but am glad for facebook now...unless I've over-imagined our friendship....
But it really makes me realize I'm in a new stage of life. I'm not ready to watch my parents die. And I could any time. My dad has already WAY outlived his grandfather and outlived his father, and is struggling with his diabetes. And it's scary.
And I wonder - What can I say to the friend who has lost their dad, or child, or husband? What really means something, and what hurts more? What can I do, give, be? I remember my grandma saying that when Grandpa died she hated getting flowers, because she had to watch them die too.
Another rough thing this week was: I totally burned dinner. I KNOW, right? So not me. Sigh. Because I was trying to make it, and help Nate with homework again. I'm struggling with the school thing. Again. Why do I send him to school (on a bus, at 7:freakinthirty in the morning in subzero temps) for 6.5 hours, and then spend all afternoon and early evening standing over him to keep him moving on his homework, (that isn't homework, it's just unfinished work from class, because he has hundreds of problems of repetitious first grade addition problems that he doesn't want to do because it's repetitious, boring, too easy, and he's got that many so he can learn to do it fast - Nate's related to his dad, and Aunt Janna - you tell them to speed up, and they freeze up, or put on the brakes) and then piano, and then send him off to read (and not something challenging or stimulating, but something fast, so he can take two tests the next morning) and then bed to start all over. He NEVER gets to play. Nate really isn't a one-size-fits-all kind of kid, in the learning department, or any other. He LOVES his math and rushes through when it's new and hard. He loves his piano when it's new and hard. He doesn't need hours of repetition to get something, but he's also NOT going to go fast just because someone says to. He needs the peers of a classroom, but I hate a government deciding that THEY know what's best for my child. I hate seeing him work from BEFORE sun up, to after sun down, and so much of it on nothing that stretches him. It just requires ME to hound him. Which I could do with him in 3-4 hours if we were homeschooling, and then he'd have HOURS to explore... but then he loses structure and peers, which seem good for him too....Sigh.
Gosh, I hope his teacher doesn't read this and think I have a problem with her...
Oh, and the other biggie from this week: the crushing moment when a friend tells you that she never really believed the gospel, and hopes you still love her. Of course I do! But................ Well.........
What do I even say? I think I handled it well, I hope. Just another opportunity to over think the entire conversation, right?
Also, Epiphany - years ago when we first bought the house, Amy J and I played together every day, AND my house was clean all the time, and I felt so productive. Recently I haven't gone to play with friends nearly as much, but my house is much messier/dirtier, and I feel like a bum. So one day my sister called early, asking if I wanted to do something that morning. I said "Sure!" and told her I'd come in 20 minutes when Em was ready. While I waited for Em to get ready, I realized that if I went and played all day I wouldn't get much done. While I didn't care much, I wondered what I could quickly do that would make a difference in the house, and make me feel productive. So I quickly wiped down the bathroom sink/counter/mirror/toilet, started a load of laundry, put a few things away, loaded the last few dishes and started the dishwasher. And I suddenly realized THAT was how my house was always clean and I felt productive. Amy J would call me first thing to find out what we were doing that day, so I'd hurry and get a few things done while I waited for her to load up her kids, and then we'd play, and at the end of the day we had done a project, and I had done my chores. I was productive and clean because I ran off and played. Knowing I was going to be gone all day, and had 20 minutes gave me the nudge to hurry and get crap done. So I've been trying to re-implement that in my life, and it's been WORKING. Crazy, no?
AND....Oh, I am wearing down! Ok...Business. I've been learning a lot about taxes. Like I hate them. And mileage deductions for business are a lifesaver. I almost had to kill my "business" before learning about deducting mileage. I did better last year than I thought I would. This year, I am saying no more often to projects I am not interested in, but I am also doing alterations for a friend in the ward who owns a formal rental shop. It works out well for both of us, I think. Recently I helped her out at a big bridal fair, and absolutely shocked my pants off to realize that I have "faked it till I made it" so long, that I've made it. I had no butterflies about grabbing people as they went by, and telling them about what we do. I didn't flush, or get watery eyes, or stumble over my words. My friend's husband said he couldn't believe that I ever had a hard time talking to people, speaking in public, I seem so natural.
I love giving my relief society lessons. Yes, Love it. Not just "can do it" but love it. That's a long way to come for someone who couldn't even have her picture taken without crying. Kinda crazy!
#463 - Can we talk about goals sometime? Progress, goals, trying, word of the year...yup, that's next time.
Finally, Heather. My Heather is having a baby in a matter of weeks. I can't believe it. I am so happy for her and Alan. I can't wait to be an Aunt again, and to HER little person. She's been an amazing aunt to my kidlets. But...am I a bad person because I have LOVED listening to her complain about the aches and pains and not-so-fun parts? It's like it validated every one of mine. She's wanted a baby since we were 15, and I was always telling her babies were not all they were cracked up to be. Then I HAD a baby, and I told her they were NOTHING that they were cracked up to be. And she gave me all that "If I could just be pregnant, I'd never complain" and "If I just had a baby...any baby...anyone's baby...I'll do whatever it takes".
And here we are, on the brink. And she wonders what the HECK she was thinking. And I am maniacally laughing and yelling I TOLD YOU SO!!!!! I FREAKIN TOLD YOU SO!!!!! SUCKER!!!!!! Well, in my head I am yelling that. Good thing she still loves me! Congrats, me ostrich. I love you, and I am always here, even in the middle of the night, and especially when you want to ask what the HECK you were thinking!!
I think that's all for tonight. Did I keep any of you all the way through????
First. I big fat red heart my Mormon Mom Planner. Oh. My. Gosh. It's grand. And worth the money I would have paid for it if you lovely friends hadn't helped me win it. I will buy it next time, I will!!! It's been so perfect, and I've USED IT!!! Go me.
Next. Am I the only person that sits and replays a conversation that I've had, and beats myself up for saying something, and analyzing how it might have sounded, and hashing it all over, and hating myself for sounding lame, or stupid, or forgetting to say something important?
AND am I the only person who worries (too much) that I have misread a person's friendliness as friendship?
They say hi to me every Sunday, I think that means we are kind of friends... or maybe not. They comment on my FB statuses... I think I can call them a friend...Or maybe not. What if I assume we are "friends" and they are assuming I am batcrap crazy.
Am I the only person who thinks too much?
#3 A dear dear dear man passed away this week. One of those that touches every person he meets. Even my kids were touched. I've known him since we moved to Idaho. His death was VERY sudden and unexpected. His funeral was beautiful, his daughters gave an excellent life sketch. I've been friends with his youngest daughter for years too. We went to high school together, were in Young Womens together. The type of person I've always admired, and now wonder why we weren't better friends before, but am glad for facebook now...unless I've over-imagined our friendship....
But it really makes me realize I'm in a new stage of life. I'm not ready to watch my parents die. And I could any time. My dad has already WAY outlived his grandfather and outlived his father, and is struggling with his diabetes. And it's scary.
And I wonder - What can I say to the friend who has lost their dad, or child, or husband? What really means something, and what hurts more? What can I do, give, be? I remember my grandma saying that when Grandpa died she hated getting flowers, because she had to watch them die too.
Another rough thing this week was: I totally burned dinner. I KNOW, right? So not me. Sigh. Because I was trying to make it, and help Nate with homework again. I'm struggling with the school thing. Again. Why do I send him to school (on a bus, at 7:freakinthirty in the morning in subzero temps) for 6.5 hours, and then spend all afternoon and early evening standing over him to keep him moving on his homework, (that isn't homework, it's just unfinished work from class, because he has hundreds of problems of repetitious first grade addition problems that he doesn't want to do because it's repetitious, boring, too easy, and he's got that many so he can learn to do it fast - Nate's related to his dad, and Aunt Janna - you tell them to speed up, and they freeze up, or put on the brakes) and then piano, and then send him off to read (and not something challenging or stimulating, but something fast, so he can take two tests the next morning) and then bed to start all over. He NEVER gets to play. Nate really isn't a one-size-fits-all kind of kid, in the learning department, or any other. He LOVES his math and rushes through when it's new and hard. He loves his piano when it's new and hard. He doesn't need hours of repetition to get something, but he's also NOT going to go fast just because someone says to. He needs the peers of a classroom, but I hate a government deciding that THEY know what's best for my child. I hate seeing him work from BEFORE sun up, to after sun down, and so much of it on nothing that stretches him. It just requires ME to hound him. Which I could do with him in 3-4 hours if we were homeschooling, and then he'd have HOURS to explore... but then he loses structure and peers, which seem good for him too....Sigh.
Gosh, I hope his teacher doesn't read this and think I have a problem with her...
Oh, and the other biggie from this week: the crushing moment when a friend tells you that she never really believed the gospel, and hopes you still love her. Of course I do! But................ Well.........
What do I even say? I think I handled it well, I hope. Just another opportunity to over think the entire conversation, right?
Also, Epiphany - years ago when we first bought the house, Amy J and I played together every day, AND my house was clean all the time, and I felt so productive. Recently I haven't gone to play with friends nearly as much, but my house is much messier/dirtier, and I feel like a bum. So one day my sister called early, asking if I wanted to do something that morning. I said "Sure!" and told her I'd come in 20 minutes when Em was ready. While I waited for Em to get ready, I realized that if I went and played all day I wouldn't get much done. While I didn't care much, I wondered what I could quickly do that would make a difference in the house, and make me feel productive. So I quickly wiped down the bathroom sink/counter/mirror/toilet, started a load of laundry, put a few things away, loaded the last few dishes and started the dishwasher. And I suddenly realized THAT was how my house was always clean and I felt productive. Amy J would call me first thing to find out what we were doing that day, so I'd hurry and get a few things done while I waited for her to load up her kids, and then we'd play, and at the end of the day we had done a project, and I had done my chores. I was productive and clean because I ran off and played. Knowing I was going to be gone all day, and had 20 minutes gave me the nudge to hurry and get crap done. So I've been trying to re-implement that in my life, and it's been WORKING. Crazy, no?
AND....Oh, I am wearing down! Ok...Business. I've been learning a lot about taxes. Like I hate them. And mileage deductions for business are a lifesaver. I almost had to kill my "business" before learning about deducting mileage. I did better last year than I thought I would. This year, I am saying no more often to projects I am not interested in, but I am also doing alterations for a friend in the ward who owns a formal rental shop. It works out well for both of us, I think. Recently I helped her out at a big bridal fair, and absolutely shocked my pants off to realize that I have "faked it till I made it" so long, that I've made it. I had no butterflies about grabbing people as they went by, and telling them about what we do. I didn't flush, or get watery eyes, or stumble over my words. My friend's husband said he couldn't believe that I ever had a hard time talking to people, speaking in public, I seem so natural.
I love giving my relief society lessons. Yes, Love it. Not just "can do it" but love it. That's a long way to come for someone who couldn't even have her picture taken without crying. Kinda crazy!
#463 - Can we talk about goals sometime? Progress, goals, trying, word of the year...yup, that's next time.
Finally, Heather. My Heather is having a baby in a matter of weeks. I can't believe it. I am so happy for her and Alan. I can't wait to be an Aunt again, and to HER little person. She's been an amazing aunt to my kidlets. But...am I a bad person because I have LOVED listening to her complain about the aches and pains and not-so-fun parts? It's like it validated every one of mine. She's wanted a baby since we were 15, and I was always telling her babies were not all they were cracked up to be. Then I HAD a baby, and I told her they were NOTHING that they were cracked up to be. And she gave me all that "If I could just be pregnant, I'd never complain" and "If I just had a baby...any baby...anyone's baby...I'll do whatever it takes".
And here we are, on the brink. And she wonders what the HECK she was thinking. And I am maniacally laughing and yelling I TOLD YOU SO!!!!! I FREAKIN TOLD YOU SO!!!!! SUCKER!!!!!! Well, in my head I am yelling that. Good thing she still loves me! Congrats, me ostrich. I love you, and I am always here, even in the middle of the night, and especially when you want to ask what the HECK you were thinking!!
I think that's all for tonight. Did I keep any of you all the way through????
Comments